There is very little I know for sure.
But there are for sure two things:
I am certain of my love for my sons.
I am also certain of this:
"Everything will be okay in the end.
If it's not okay, it's not the end."
The quote is from John Lennon. I'm not sure when I first heard it. It was some time ago now. I repeat it often, sometimes to tell myself, other times to offer a glimmer of hope to someone who is struggling.
So, "Okay in the end" as the title of this blogging site I am launching. You know, the one where this is the very first post. I figured it was a little better than www.ilovemysons.com, but maybe not.
I would say it's a bit of a motto for me, but no matter the trials or sadness, no matter the tragedy or hardship, again and again, things have always turned out okay.
Some things have been more difficult than others. The sense that I am just getting to fully know myself at almost 46 years old makes me a little ashamed. I don't know if I spent so many years trying to be the good girl and do what was expected of me that I never really assessed what I wanted or what made me happy.
It makes sense that I was a bit of a people pleaser. I grew up in a house with an angry and unpredictable father. He loved us deeply but had zero tools to manage his inherent fury. I tried not to make waves without fully being aware of it. It was often a timing thing. Let's wait until he is in the right mood. Let's not tell him. If we clean the kitchen, he might be happy.
It makes sense that I am needy. I grew up the youngest of 11 children, my mother hardly had enough time or esteem to give each child the attention we sought.
Some things I still can't make full sense of. Those things I slowly work on. Why do seek feedback, yet when someone offers a compliment I don't feel worthy of it? Why am I so damn judgmental? Why has it taken me so long to feel a sense of sustained happiness?
Life's ups and downs continue. I gain new insight into myself and others and have finally learned that everyone doesn't think just like me. But I think enough of us do that we can connect on some of the things that are on my mind. At the very least I now have a place to be held accountable for writing. And writing helps me. It helps me to make a story out of all the pieces and parts of things. Sometimes it just helps to get things out of my head and on the screen or paper. It often helps me find the lesson in the journey.
So I hope we learn some things together. And you let me know what you think on the topics I discuss. I hope we can weather life's storms together, and we all know that it will be okay in the end.